Author |
Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 1489 times) |
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
 
Gender: 
Posts: 7049
|
 |
The Joke Thread
« Thread started on: Mar 17th, 2004, 9:27pm » |
|
I thought i would put it in here, so it can stay near the top so everyone can add there jokes to it without having to search for it in past pages.
One evening a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar in order to catch potential drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a man come stumbling out of the bar, sway across the street and try his keys on five different cars before he found his own. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally the man started his engine and began to drive off. The police officer, waiting for the man the whole time, stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this was possible. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"
Whats the difference between Manchester United and a vacuum? -You have to turn a vacuum on before it sux 
|
|
 Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: Mar 17th, 2004, 9:35pm » |
|
"Two Statues"
There are these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left.
Would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes! But let's change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: Mar 17th, 2004, 9:49pm » |
|
Did you hear that the post office has just recalled their latest stamp issue? -They had pictures of the labour party members on them and people could not figure out which side to spit on
An infant teacher explains to her class that she is a MAN UNITED fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were MAN UNITED fans too. Not really knowing what a MAN UNITED fan was but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a MAN UNITED fan." "Then", asks the teacher, "what are you? "Why I'm proud to be a MANCHESTER CITY fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a MAN CITY fan. "Well, My Dad and Mum are MAN CITY fans, and I'm a MAN CITY fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mum was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then ?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy "I'd be a MAN UNITED fan."
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: Mar 17th, 2004, 9:59pm » |
|
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the di** underneath the horse, instead of on top
Three people in a restaurant.
The bill comes to £30 they each give £10 to the waiter.
When the waiter gets to the till he is told that he has
over charged them by £5.
he thinks the people were happy paying £10 so
he puts £2 in his pocket.
And gives them back £1 each.
So now they have all paid £9 each.
£9 x 3 = £27
the waiter has £2 in his pocket = £29
SO WHERE IS THE OTHER £1  ??
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Mr Elddir
Admin
member is offline
Burn yourself on the flames of the edifice
Gender:
Posts: 4034
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: Mar 18th, 2004, 5:29pm » |
|
on Mar 17th, 2004, 9:59pm, lee wrote:Three people in a restaurant.
The bill comes to £30 they each give £10 to the waiter.
When the waiter gets to the till he is told that he has
over charged them by £5.
he thinks the people were happy paying £10 so
he puts £2 in his pocket.
And gives them back £1 each.
So now they have all paid £9 each.
£9 x 3 = £27
the waiter has £2 in his pocket = £29
SO WHERE IS THE OTHER £1 ??
|
|
It is divided between the three customers.
If you divide £25 between 3 people it comes to 8.33 recurring. This is what they literally owe.
They technically each pay the waiter 0.66p recurring tip, added to the cost of the meal, it comes to about £9 each, or literally 8.99 recurring.
So the full cost including the waiter's £2 tip is £27.00
Then you add the £3 change the waiter hands them back and you get £30.00
I think that's right (?)
|
|
Logged
|
  
|
|
|
darkmon33624
Post Virgin
member is offline
Posts: 0
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: Mar 19th, 2004, 04:25am » |
|
St. Michael stood at the gates of heaven with a long line of nuns. He said "If you have done anything to destroy your innoence, please remove it with holy water" And he pointed to his right.
The first nun came up and washed her hands. She was let in. The second nun started to walk up as a riot broke out back and a nun gargled the holy water. St. Michael looked at her and asked "Why the commotion?"
The nun pointed to a fat dirty nun and said "I have to wash myself before she washes her ass."
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
KoS
Admin
member is offline
Korruptor of Souls
Gender:
Posts: 3265
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: Mar 19th, 2004, 05:44am » |
|
on Mar 17th, 2004, 9:59pm, lee wrote:Three people in a restaurant.
The bill comes to £30 they each give £10 to the waiter.
When the waiter gets to the till he is told that he has
over charged them by £5.
he thinks the people were happy paying £10 so
he puts £2 in his pocket.
And gives them back £1 each.
So now they have all paid £9 each.
£9 x 3 = £27
the waiter has £2 in his pocket = £29
SO WHERE IS THE OTHER £1 ??
|
|
Hehe, I enjoy those reverse questions.
There are different ways to look at it.
They originally paid £30. The waiter noticed the price was in fact £25, and he gave back 3£ to the customers, and kept 2£. 25+3+2=30 (not a single pound lost my friend).
Or you can see it as a substraction. The Price was 25£ but 30£ were charged.
In giving back 3£ and keeping 2£ to himself, the waiter effectively took 5£ off of the original price.
30-3-2=25£ (the true price).
It's just that the question asked is incoherent but sounds logical enough, so some people will overrationalize this and fail to get the answer because the question isn't properly asked, because no pound was lost, but presented in this mathematical fashion (9x3)+2=29 it looks logical enough... but it isn't. 
The 30£ were spent, originally, and 5 have been taken off to get the real price of 25£. How that 5£ was distributed is irrelevant.
I will explain what I mean by "False premise."
What we can establish is that the three customers indeed paid 27£ for their meal in the end.
The waiter kept 2£ (which he should have given back to the customers).
The way the question is asked, they want you to believe you must add up to 30, but that was never the real price, so the number you have to find to solve the problem is actually 25.
How easy is that?
They were charged 27£ for a 25£ meal, because the waiter failed to give them back 2£ which he kept.
27£-2£=25£
They were overcharged for 25£, not undercharged for 30£, so the number 30 is only made to look relevant by the way the problem is presented.
|
| « Last Edit: Mar 19th, 2004, 06:42am by KoS » |
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: Mar 19th, 2004, 10:10am » |
|
Well done to Marc and KoS for solving it. Its quite good because it takes a couple of read through to work it out. Very well explained both of you 
Nice joke too jack
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Mr Elddir
Admin
member is offline
Burn yourself on the flames of the edifice
Gender:
Posts: 4034
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: Mar 19th, 2004, 1:13pm » |
|
Christ, my explanation was a little over-complicated wasn't it? lol
I just re-read it
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: Mar 19th, 2004, 3:55pm » |
|
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." :lol:
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: Apr 2nd, 2004, 2:10pm » |
|
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found
not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the
safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline that day read...
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
darkmon33624
Post Virgin
member is offline
Posts: 0
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: Apr 3rd, 2004, 02:48am » |
|
on Apr 2nd, 2004, 2:10pm, lee wrote:The newspaper headline that day read...
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
|
|
NOOO!! All my sperm donation went to waste!
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: Apr 4th, 2004, 6:27pm » |
|
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cursing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
darkmon33624
Post Virgin
member is offline
Posts: 0
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: Apr 4th, 2004, 6:42pm » |
|
LOL!! That was good mate.
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
lee
Parra Fan
member is offline
Gender:
Posts: 7049
|
|
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: Apr 4th, 2004, 6:50pm » |
|
lol yeah I like that one too
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
