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Topic: Matthew (Read 156 times) |
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NothingIsForever
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Even on the road to hell, flowers can make you smile.
 
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Matthew
« Thread started on: Jul 14th, 2006, 08:35am » |
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haha i know like more than 90% of the people on here don't read what i submit, but it still feels good to submit it. my friend and i are writing a book, this is one of the parts under the relationship section. tell me what you think.
Words were the most valuable aspect to our relationship. If you think about it, they brought us together in the first place. I’ll never forget the day we sat at that table and just store at each other endlessly. Then you simply started talking through a note which untimely led to us. You were so foolish though, you had not a clue what love was, or what you wanted. If only I had known you were so selfish, I wouldn’t have so much to say today. You were going through some phase where you had to hurt every girl you laid your eyes upon. But for a girl so innocent, it was so surreal that you did it to me. I can’t even begin to understand how I was so obsessed with you, there is no other word that sums it up. I remember telling kritz I asked you where the ketchup bag at work was, and you showed me. It was that slightest bit of your attention which made me go crazy. I had never thought about someone so much. I wrote this poem about you called “Savior” where I described how your smile always made mine bloom and how you allowed me to have a high self esteem.
I was given a chance to be with you for five days. After the third you were already no longer paying attention to me. I knew what your intentions were but didn’t want to believe them. I remember on that 5th day, you looked me in the eyes and said “You remind me too much of my dead sister.” I didn’t even know what to think, but if there was a book called "World's worst break-up lines" you surely would be in it. I remember picking up my pay cheque that day and tears randomly started streaming down my face. It was this feeling that overcame me, like I was so unwanted. I remember you telling me you were sorry and me replying with “Sorry? You didn’t do anything.” But my god, you did EVERYTHING.
For months and months after this half ass chance you give me I wrote about you, I thought about you, I begged to the god I didn’t even believe in that you’d give me one more chance. It killed me inside; I had never ever wanted something so bad that I actually thought I would die for it. Then one night you asked me to come over. I didn’t give a damn for what reason. I was standing outside of your house, so many thoughts running through my head “what will I say, what will I do, is he even here?”- Then you answered the door, with the cutest toque on, my knees literally went numb, I almost wanted to turn around and go home. That night we began watching a movie that I didn’t pay one bit of attention to. I remember how nervous I was, how much I wanted you to make the first move. Which you did, the feelings were so high, that I really truly believed everything was finally happening. I remember you kissing me, my necklace getting caught in my hair; I remember every detail you possibly could. It was supposed to be one of those “I love you moments” but I wouldn’t dare admit how fucking cheap I felt. I didn’t want to go home that night, I wanted to lay in your bed forever, I wanted you to hold me and tell me we could finally be together. But I went home, I went home and never had that amazing feeling again. You didn’t say much after that, you didn’t seem interested. I remember how angry I was with myself, I wrote a lot more about you, and one night I told myself I loved you. But that wasn’t enough, nothing was enough. I loved you more than I loved myself. But you loved me so selfishly, the kind that you don’t mean.
After a long period of not talking to you due to you being with other people and me not being able to stand it, I finally after what seemed like forever moved on. We became friends, good good friends. I thought it was cool how we were able to work out our differences and just be friends. Surprisingly we got along better than ever. We’d casually flirt with each other but it didn’t mean anything. At least I didn’t think so. Until after one night of you being over, you told me you had feelings for me. How could it possibly be? After everything you put me through? I hated you for awhile. I had hoped you would delete every picture of me that you owned, erase every song you wrote about me, I wanted you to forget everything I ever said to you or wrote about you. I hoped you would forget me when I was gone and miss the chance you had. I wanted you to realize I’m so much more than the trash in your garbage, and that now was way too late. I wanted you to feel like I did, thoughts murdering your mind so you couldn’t ever sleep. I would never love you again, because when I wanted you, you didn’t want me, you barely acknowledged me and I was absolutely nothing to you. But soon enough I realized how much you truly did want a relationship with me. And since no one else did, it felt like I should do it. So I asked myself, what do I fucking want? The boy who loves me with all his heart or the friends I need like the blood flowing in my veins? This dilemma was my obsession for a little while. But then I realized there wasn’t even enough feelings for you anymore, it made me so sad because how could I have loved you so much then have nothing there anymore.
When I think about it, I know I’ll miss the chance we never had. And how you turned out to be exactly like me, so insanely in love that you didn’t want anyone else. I remember you even biked all the way to pizza pizza at two in the morning to pay for pizza to be delivered to me because I was hungry. What girl couldn’t possibly feel so special that she should jump in his arms at that very moment? What the hell was wrong with me? How could the one thing I waited for so long finally be right in front of me and I was no longer waiting?
That’s the story of what could and should have bin the most amazing relationship. It goes to show that you should never let love run away when it’s right in front of your eyes. People do move on, and once they do they rarely go back. You may think if you don’t like the person it’s because they are not meant for you. But that’s not it at all, it’s because love doesn’t wait for you, you can’t expect it to be there for you when you are ready. It’s all about the timing. And unfortunately for us, the timing ruined everything. I’ll never forget you, because you grew up so fast, you went from the most immature jerk I had ever met to such a grown up adult. That immature jerk was now such a gentleman it scared me. You went from playing videogames EVERY night and not knowing what your future was to going to college, and I remember telling you to do that over and over and finally you did. You developed this love for music that no one could take away from you. Which brings us back to those words; you wrote songs for me and sang them to me. It’s those damn words that made us think our minds out. But no matter how much we both thought, we had to forget.
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"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (the Skin Horse)
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lee
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Re: Matthew
« Reply #1 on: Aug 31st, 2009, 12:09am » |
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I think you summed it up perfectly with the word 'timing', its all about being at the same place mentally at the same time, unfortunately it rarely works out this way as shown in your writing here. People change so fast from the start until the end of their teenage years and probably to a greater extent the 5 years following those so to find 'the one' and for it to last is very rare.
How did the book go? did you complete it?
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